"There is no fork in the grass, so how can I poke her achilles tendon then?" Shendron wondered to himself... "Hmmm, perhaps I can beat her with spit, she's always had a great aversion to it. Yes, spit, I think that'll work well!"
Shendronthen promptly started blowing bubbles of spit into the air. He was going to enchant them , so they would not pop, until they reached his mother and then his gooey mess could pop on her and make her a giant big mess! So, he did. The spit bubbles floated through the air, there was about a dozen, and they were magically lured to Shenny's mother. She saw them coming and screamed in terror, turning around and running from the garden at high speed!
"Well, that will teach the hag to mess with my dismembered head!"
Then Shenny rolled along, using his tongue, knowing that it would only be a matter of time before his body came to fetch him.

He almost wept when he realised the truth of the situation, and how he had been neglecting his wife all these years and giving more attention to his slug than her...

Almost.

Instead he wiggled his ears on the floor to try and turn himself around. His mother was going to pay for this. But wait. Who was this new individual in the garden? Whoever it was, they looked very much like a pair of boots. In fact, on closer inspection, he could swear that's what he was seeing.

The pair of boots was rapidly coming closer to the same part of the multiverse that his nose happened to inhabit at this period of time. Closer... closer... closer...

You just have to love physics. The whole "this particle attached to a whole bunch of booty particales over here and about to come into contact with the other particle of nose over here," and how it could suddenly turn into a warm and loving relationship as the particles were brought closer together and suddenly became more intimate. Of course, so many relationships of this sort have breakups, and this was no exception. Only the breakup was so sudden, as the particles had only been in touch for a few milliseconds when the nose-particles decided they'd had enough and left. Flew away in fact. Through the air to the other side of the garden. But the boot-particles wanted a reunion. And the foot-in-the-boot-particles were all for it, and were doing everything in their power to bring this about.

Shendron was now in tears, but these were not from his wife's sentimental words. These were because he had just landed on his slug and squished him. Add to this the fact that he could see at least two boots attached to a evil sadistic mother bearing down on him, and this didn't seem to be the good day he thought it was going to be. And the cherry on top: he was missing C.S.I. Miami!!!

Shendron managed to bite his wife's - or should that be ex-wife - ear, and with a twist of his head, he threw her off and she bobbed away on the pebbles, coming to a very messy haired halt. "She seems so stupid and filthy." He thought to himself.
"Well, I hope you are off your head with joy at your stupid, moronic, unintelligent, dim-witted, foolish, idiotic, unwise and ill-advised ploy at killing me!!!"
"His wife was trying to roll closer and had her teeth bared, making her intent clear.
"DO you want to bite me to death? How silly! Well, I'll just spit in your eyes, shall I? That way you can't see me, and you have no hands to wipe it off with!" With that he hawked and spat and a big loogie was projected at her, hitting her in the eyes, and effectively making her blind!
"Ha-ha! You silly wench! You are blind now, and it's your own entire fault."
"No, it's your Snot's fault!"
"What does my slug have to do with this?"
"You have always paid IT more attention than ME! You worked the way for me to end up here! I made the choice to side with your mom, because your stupid pet slug was not the kind of thing I wanted to compete with attention for! Besides, she promised not to hurt you."
"Haven't you learnt anything from watching too many plays you old cow? You NEVER trust the promises of an evil genius! ESPECIALLY not a mother in law! I mean - duh! That's so typical of you, you ignorant be-ach!"
"I know, but I thought that the plays were all cliché and that she was really true, but when she gave that evil cackle, before lopping my head off with the garden scissors, I suppose I realized how wrong I was. So, what do we do now?"