Shendron hobbled along to the house, ignoring the persisting feeling that his body was that of a porcupine. Absolutely ridiculous. These spines had always been there...

But there was no time to worry about this now. He had bigger fish to fry, but not a large enough frying pan. Oh bother. This required more thinking than he was ready for. If only Snot had been around to help him. He gently touched the gooey patch at the back of his head to remind himself of how it had once felt to hold Snot. I will miss my Snot, he thought.

Caught up in his sentimental moment, he didn't notice his mother reappearing on the scene. This time inside a large plastic bubble.

"Haha!" she said. "Now your spit will never reach me! You cannot escape now!!"

And with that she rolled the bubble towards him, looking like a giant hamster trying to steer its wheel in the right direction. She got up besides him and swiped the large chainsaw in her hand towards him. It deflected right off the plastic.

"Well now!" said Shendron. "This is going to be fun to play with..."

His beheaded body picked up his severed head and firmly reattached it. The muscles, blood vessels, tendons and bone all grew back together. A nifty gift in those times when a cheetah bites off your hand and decides not to eat it, or if you lose a leg and find someone else's that's a perfect fit! He stood on the grass just outside of his house, realising that his mother was long gone and he started to wonder what he should do next...

"There is no fork in the grass, so how can I poke her achilles tendon then?" Shendron wondered to himself... "Hmmm, perhaps I can beat her with spit, she's always had a great aversion to it. Yes, spit, I think that'll work well!"
Shendronthen promptly started blowing bubbles of spit into the air. He was going to enchant them , so they would not pop, until they reached his mother and then his gooey mess could pop on her and make her a giant big mess! So, he did. The spit bubbles floated through the air, there was about a dozen, and they were magically lured to Shenny's mother. She saw them coming and screamed in terror, turning around and running from the garden at high speed!
"Well, that will teach the hag to mess with my dismembered head!"
Then Shenny rolled along, using his tongue, knowing that it would only be a matter of time before his body came to fetch him.

He almost wept when he realised the truth of the situation, and how he had been neglecting his wife all these years and giving more attention to his slug than her...

Almost.

Instead he wiggled his ears on the floor to try and turn himself around. His mother was going to pay for this. But wait. Who was this new individual in the garden? Whoever it was, they looked very much like a pair of boots. In fact, on closer inspection, he could swear that's what he was seeing.

The pair of boots was rapidly coming closer to the same part of the multiverse that his nose happened to inhabit at this period of time. Closer... closer... closer...

You just have to love physics. The whole "this particle attached to a whole bunch of booty particales over here and about to come into contact with the other particle of nose over here," and how it could suddenly turn into a warm and loving relationship as the particles were brought closer together and suddenly became more intimate. Of course, so many relationships of this sort have breakups, and this was no exception. Only the breakup was so sudden, as the particles had only been in touch for a few milliseconds when the nose-particles decided they'd had enough and left. Flew away in fact. Through the air to the other side of the garden. But the boot-particles wanted a reunion. And the foot-in-the-boot-particles were all for it, and were doing everything in their power to bring this about.

Shendron was now in tears, but these were not from his wife's sentimental words. These were because he had just landed on his slug and squished him. Add to this the fact that he could see at least two boots attached to a evil sadistic mother bearing down on him, and this didn't seem to be the good day he thought it was going to be. And the cherry on top: he was missing C.S.I. Miami!!!

Shendron managed to bite his wife's - or should that be ex-wife - ear, and with a twist of his head, he threw her off and she bobbed away on the pebbles, coming to a very messy haired halt. "She seems so stupid and filthy." He thought to himself.
"Well, I hope you are off your head with joy at your stupid, moronic, unintelligent, dim-witted, foolish, idiotic, unwise and ill-advised ploy at killing me!!!"
"His wife was trying to roll closer and had her teeth bared, making her intent clear.
"DO you want to bite me to death? How silly! Well, I'll just spit in your eyes, shall I? That way you can't see me, and you have no hands to wipe it off with!" With that he hawked and spat and a big loogie was projected at her, hitting her in the eyes, and effectively making her blind!
"Ha-ha! You silly wench! You are blind now, and it's your own entire fault."
"No, it's your Snot's fault!"
"What does my slug have to do with this?"
"You have always paid IT more attention than ME! You worked the way for me to end up here! I made the choice to side with your mom, because your stupid pet slug was not the kind of thing I wanted to compete with attention for! Besides, she promised not to hurt you."
"Haven't you learnt anything from watching too many plays you old cow? You NEVER trust the promises of an evil genius! ESPECIALLY not a mother in law! I mean - duh! That's so typical of you, you ignorant be-ach!"
"I know, but I thought that the plays were all cliché and that she was really true, but when she gave that evil cackle, before lopping my head off with the garden scissors, I suppose I realized how wrong I was. So, what do we do now?"

WHOOOOOOOSH!
"What the...aaaaaaaaaaa....!" Shendron's voice trailed away as his now decapitated head flew out the window. His mother stood there triumphantly, orcish blade in hand (orcish blades have many uses other than chopping off heads...they are amazing when it comes to dicing those lettuce leaves!)
When Shendron came to, he was eye to eye with his wife.
She looked very...very...very angry. Suddenly, she jumped on him and was trying to bite his ear off!
"Ow, ow, ow! Woman! What are you doing!" Shendron yelped.
A frog lounging in the garden, watching the two heads fighting. As the frog sat, he thought: "So cliche'd...this happens too often to be funny anymore."

Of course his search for his mother and (soon to be ex-) wife (where are those divorce papers) was considerably slowed by the fact that Doncheadle had started gnawing on his far-left leg and wouldn't let go. What had started as a mild tingling sensation in his foot was now outright agony, as Doncheadle had now reached the bone. Again. How were the scars supposed to heal?!?!

In the mean time, while Shendron had been knocked out cold in the kitchen, his mother had been contemplating her new nailpolish, considered new curtains for the bedroom to match the duveit and had chopped off his wife's head. She really thought blue would go better...

Shendron could hear a soft moaning coming from the passageway. He walked closer and closer to the source of the sound, until there in the middle of the passageway carpet he could see his wife's head. Making a mess all over the carpet!!! AAAAAAAAH!!! How would he ever get the stains out!! He quickly ran up to her and kicked her (head) out of the way. While he sat and scrubbed at the carpet, he wondered if his wife could possible grow a less bloody head next time...

Well, when he came too, he was not surprised to find that his fat slug pet, Doncheadle, was licking his face. His favourite game was to knock Shendron unconcious. Everytime he tried to knock him out for longer periods of time. The good thing about it happening this time is that the glass jar on his hand had broken with the fall, and the swelling seemed to have moved from his hand the the baseball size bump on his head where Doncheadle had hit him. Ok, gotta get up now, and get to work. His mother and the three-eared freak he used to call his wife could be anywhere by now.